I've had some exceptionally good experiences this past week, and today was really fun. Meagan (one of my school buddies) came over to watch movies in the evening. She brought a movie called Benny & Joon. It's this pretty low-key film from 1993 about a schizophrenic woman who lives with her over-protective brother, and they meet a really clownish loner played by Johnny Depp. There are some hilarious lines like the one above, and another one about raisins being "just humiliated grapes." XD. It also came out just a year before the biopic Ed Wood, which is probably my favourite movie involving Tim Burton and J.D.
I also showed Meagan the glorious episode of MST3K which is Bride of the Monster. I find that show is funniest when I see it with friends, and we were laughing the whole time. BotM was made by the infamous Ed Wood, Jr., on whom the above-mentioned biopic is based (wonderful syntax, eh?). "It's a sinister day at the laboratory, a sinister day at the laaaaaaab!"
As for the previous week, well I basically had a whole bunch of Music Festival. In some of the classes I was the only person (Bach, Russian Music). They went decently. In two of the classes I got first place: Romantic music (where I played Liszt's Csardas Macabre) and French music (Messiaen's "Regard de l'Esprit de joie" from Vingt Regards). Plus I'm advancing to provincials in a month for those classes. The Chopin class was okay, and I got some good feedback on Scriabin's Vers la flamme in the 20-th century class. :)
The final class I competed in was Kinsmen Piano, in which I both advanced to the final (with Kerry and I competing) and got first place playing Messiaen! Finally something pays off for my year of mostly piano-related activities. The adjudicator seemed pretty excited for me, and was apparently pleased with my choices of repertoire this year, particularly the Messiaen (which was pretty daunting, I'll admit).
Now follows the month where I polish the Messiaen and Liszt a bit, and start looking towards my good old friend Mr. Charles Ives. Concord Sonata, we'll be seeing each other soon. I'm also supposed to assist my piano professor with some research-related scholarship thing.
Yesterday and today I was having a look at a piece from Bartok's Mikrokosmos, Book 6. Considering how things have worked out for me so far in contemporary music (or near-contemporary, depending on your scope), it might be time to start looking at the basics again, develop some skills in twentieth-century music. I should look for the other books in Mikrokosmos.
Some DVDs arrived for me this week from Amazon. MST3K Vol. 3, the two seasons of Get Smart I didn't have, and 1932's Island of Lost Souls. Not to over-indulgence in all this nerddom, that is the law; are we not men?
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I had a rather lame encounter with some clerks at Shopper's Drug Mart yesterday. It kind of threw me off balance for the rest of the night and I didn't get much work done. I was trying to decide if I should get somebody a card or some kind of food item and then this lady stopped me and told me that I've been wandering around for a while and not buying anything and that if I "had no money" then I should leave. I said I was a student, a grad student in fact, 22 years old, and she said, "So? I'm a grandmother." She also said something like, "We get a lot of kids in here who look suspicious." I was like, "Are you calling me a kid? I'm an adult." "Alright then, people." After a bit of arguing I went off in a huff and said "screw off" and she said "don't come back again."
But then I did come back to show her my actual school notes and demand some respect. I told her what I had come for because before I hadn't been clear. This other clerk joined in and they basically explained that what she did was store policy because it was a "bad store" and people of my "age group" were the ones who gave them trouble. And to this "grandmother" apparently 22 isn't very old. Also, and this part really upset me, they said, "You know, thieves often don't look like thieves." So do I look like one or not, lady? They said, "We're not trying to single you out, sorry, it's just a store policy." So to recap: the one lady accused me of being a kid, of having no money, of being a thief, and all I got were a bunch of excuses after that. Then they let me get what I came for, and the second lady was all cheerful when I came to the counter but I wasn't. I guess I was kind of desperate to show them that I did have money, otherwise I would have not bought something. Either way I lose perhaps.
I guess I'm a little sensitive about not looking my age sometimes, and it makes me really upset when someone just assumes stuff about me. I dunno, it's not worth dwelling on much more. I managed to let off some steam by playing Chopin and Liszt at school for a while when I got there.
Today was D&D but everything moved at a snail's pace. Too many distractions in our group, Litsa and Michael weren't there to help us stay focussed, and we just hung out mainly. I didn't get a whole lot of work done on my presentation for Tuesday. Tomorrow it will be just a matter of creating a convincing enough handout and I'm sure the rest will follow from that.
Dad and I moved a whole bunch of stuff out of the basement and into boxes. We're getting carpet cleaners to come by on Wednesday. A lot of old pet stains, juice stains, etc. to get rid of. Still finding little reminders around the house of my old friends. There's a little comb on the floor between the couches down here that I used to brush Shadow with sometimes. I wonder if I'll have another pet like him someday.
Here I am being all gloomy and morbid again, sorry. Not sure if anyone reads this anymore. Been a long time since I had friends coming on LiveJournal, ahahah. Just a phase in life which ended with high school, really. Now, back to Haydn and some reading before bed.
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Just got home from the university. Earlier in the afternoon I had my first master class of the year with Kathleen, which went pretty well. I spent the next several hours giving some intensive thought to my take-home midterm for structural analysis. Hence, the Tempest sonata is still playing in my head. Over the next week I have to put in a lot of time getting some things done: analysis midterm for Tuesday, presentation the week after in the same class, and finding a paper topic for musicology.
Yes, I haven't mentioned it on my blog because I haven't really updated since before convocation: I'm a grad student! I get to spend a bunch of time in a shared office space, attend seminars, and perform a couple more recitals.
Now I believe a brief summary of what I did in the summer (and a little bit of the school year) is in order:
1) Saw Devo live, twice! Once in Toronto and once in Burlington, ON, the day after. Met a few awesome spuds, including Joe and Ren Provo and the infamous Jane Stucky (a.k.a. Spuddess), an attendee of roughly 50 Devo concerts. Joe and Ren hooked me up with some neat little items (Devo buttons, "Bob" stickers) and my very own blue energy dome. Jane helped me meet both Bob 1 and Mark Mothersbaugh, who signed my dome! The meeting with Mark occured the night after the Burlington show, in a small bar in Hamilton where he was displaying some artwork. Mark and Michael Pilmer (the band's archivist) both complimented my Devo guitar videos, and told me that Bob 1 himself had seen them (OMMG *faint*).
2) Continued to play D&D. Erin is gone for now and Jon has taken her place.
3) Hung out with Erica and Ben twice, for the Ex and for Folkfest. John Huseby was at the Ex too. Quite the reunion I guess.
4) Began collecting some serious MST3K DVDs and have been slowly working through them with the help of my robot friends. Well, actually, just my buddy Jonathan. HIKEEBA! I've made a checklist of episodes that I know for sure I've seen. I'm up to, like, 35 now?
5) Did some sweet jamming with my other MSTie/spud/nrrd pal Jade! Went to a punk show where her and Regan were one of the opening acts. Met a bunch of her friends at her B-day thing; most of them were in bands, so there was plently of jamming in the basement. (Speaking of my friend's bands, I also caught the end of a Feral Children concert, with my old high school chum Sarah "You Don't Look Very Busy 'cause You Got Shocked" Charters on bass. One word: Epic.)
6) Actually managed to read all of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, a 1000+ page novel about the virtue of selfishness, a.k.a. Objectivism. You may think I'm crazy for attempting this door-stopper, but I was at least curious to see what it had to say (though the point was pretty clear within the first 100 pages; maybe "hammered in" is more accurate). Afterwards I took on some lighter, pulpier reading in the form of Koushun Takami's Battle Royale. Now in the spirit of Halloween I'm trying to finish that re-reading of Stephen King's It that I began ages ago but always seemed to get interrupted half-way through.
7) Decided on some new repertoire. I've got a varied program lined up for this year (Bach, Chopin, Rachmaninoff, Scriabin, Liszt, Messiaen), and next year I plan to tackle the whole of Ives' Concord Sonata.
Lastly, as a small aside, I was busy yesterday so I missed this little detail but I was aware of it beforehand...Yesterday (Oct. 21) would have been the four-year anniversary if that one relationship from first-year of undergrad had lasted. You know, that one. Alas, some things weren't meant to be.
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| Date: | 2011-02-14 23:15 |
| Subject: | Downers. |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  sad |
I had a pretty good day today, but it ended kind of badly. I think I might have hurt someone, or at least we've taken a step back. Essentially, I've been kind of seeing someone for a little bit, and we spent some time together today, but at the end we started discussing some more serious things and there were problems. Mainly to do with belief systems, I guess. I've been having similar clashes with other people lately, but now it's more personal and it's stressing me out. I need time to calm my mind again.
It seems like I only update this when I'm feeling distressed. Sigh. Sooner or later I'll try to say something positive.
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OMG Arrogant Worms live. Went with John and Katherine and it was the best thing I've done in a while. This makes it my sixth time I believe.
I kind of want to be a folk singer now. Well, actually, I've always wanted to do that. Wouldn't that be the funnest odd job ever? I'm definately going to busk next year at the Fringe if I can. Andrew and some of my other friends could get our Früvous going, or our Lehrer, or even Gilbert and Sullivan if we're feeling brave.
Singalongs and all sorts of crazy fun! Why don't my friends have more of those?
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Had a succession of dreams. In one my sister was driving my family home at night, and the whole time my sister and my mom were fighting. Most of the stuff in these dreams occured at a very dark part of night.
Somewhere in between all the other stuff I had an odd side adventure that was basically a reenactment of Inception. I was part of some sort of extraction team, but the guy noticed us and it turned into a shootout.
Then something involving a kid who was making a fan video/dance of Devo's "Time Out For Fun". Then my sister again, walking home and talking to me about Latin. Then a whole bunch of people sitting at a table (outside?) discussing Latin poetry and language in general. I had my intellect turned on for a bit.
The last sequence I recall involved my ex. Well, she began as someone else...It was during some party where whatever girl it was and I acted out a script we'd come up with. But she morphed into my ex, and apparently the place was owned by Patrick and his "girlfriend" (I used quotations because it was somebody other than it is now). Anyway, apparently I was still in a relationship with this person. She tried to make out and tell me nice things, but I felt wrong and I was trying to find a way to say that my feelings had changed. Then Patrick came back into the room, presumably so he could sleep, but along with him was a male friend who seemed young and obnoxious. For no particular reason he threw his gum at the blanket my "girlfriend" and I were under. I got up and yelled at the kid, made him help me clean it up, and then that somehow turned into us doing the dishes?
I was kind of scared when I woke up, but maybe now I'm just weirded out. A few of the things did kind of hit home for me. I saw somebody smile and talk in a way I haven't seen in a long time, not towards me anyway. I don't know if I want to be so vividly reminded of that though.
Well, I'm back in school. Don't know what else to say, but...It's school. Still having trouble getting back into the swing of it.
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Not sure what else I need to do to help myself now. So many memories I can't put behind, and that's just my flaw: that inability to let go. Well, that and my apathy and selfishness.
I have this sort of lurking feeling that I'm truly unable to feel anything for other people. It's like I've lost my humanity, or perhaps I never had it. For a while I had someone with whom I thought there were human feelings, like I could spend my life with this person. Apparently it was wishful thinking, and I'm deceived for thinking I'm a person.
I wonder if people realize how selfish I am, though. Maybe they do, because I talk about myself a lot. I suspect that everything nice I do for other people is a cover for the fact that I just can't empathize. Like that one time I couldn't help someone. I really didn't know what to do, it was like I was invisible in that instant. There were plenty of those moments, now that I remember.
All I can think of now are selfish desires and things a teenage boy wants but knows he can't have. Meanwhile, I find it hard to concentrate on making myself live properly. Maybe a trend towards perversion, maybe not. I know I have certain moral values, and they usually prevent me from doing bad things, but it doesn't stop me from having bad thoughts. It's like all that stuff I know is bad like xenophobia, mysogyny, homophobia, whatever...Stuff just wants to invade my thoughts because it feels like human nature. I try to push it out but it only serves to make myself constantly aware of it.
I tell myself that if I'm an example of how everyone feels, then I understand why there's so much hate in the world. No matter how much you try to push it out, it's still there, waiting to spring forth at a bad time. Just those thoughts that make you twitch. Yet for some reason I can't stand the thought of having somebody hate me. I suppose hypocrites are often quite aware of what they are.
I wonder if everything I say and do, including the stuff I write here, is just a calculated effort for attention, just so that I don't get totally lost in the dark. I find it hard to believe even my own words, you see.
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Well, what do I say about life now? More facts, I guess. B-day get-together was neat. D&D tonight was neat after a few weeks of not that. Wish I could say more but I'm just blank right now.
So, analyze this. You meet a random female in your class one day, and you start talking. On the second day of socializing, she asks you if you want to go to a movie "as friends," in that precise wording. Moreover, the person says it in such a way that progresses on the lines of "I really want to go to a movie today, but my friends are all busy [listing what said friends are in fact doing]...[A few minutes later] Do you want to go to a movie, as friends?" If you feel somewhat guilty at the time about ultimately saying you can't (even afraid to do so), what does that say about you? Do you simply have a tendency to feel subordinate and helpless around the opposite sex, regardless of whether you have an interest in them or not?
I really don't know how to read people that way. Sometimes I suspect that women who are interested in me act a certain way, but I was so used to that kind of behavior in high school I came to be somewhat passive about it. It's hard for me to take control and say what I really think about the situation.
I saw someone yesterday that I hadn't seen in quite a while. Afterwards I started feeling really weird and kind of upset. I can't even explain it, and I still feel that way somehow. Maybe it's just ongoing and I don't always notice it. I mainly feel it when I'm not around anyone. I can tell it has something to do with things both past and present, all kind of clumped together. I've been thinking about scissor-related stuff again...Also, about how I don't seem to be accomplishing much. Seeing that person reminded me that I'm just so far behind in life. I mean, considering what I know or have heard about this person and how they're already doing things that I might've liked to do had I not been in school for so long.
I get that feeling a lot now, every time I see people with steady jobs, couples moving in with each other or old friends getting engaged. I'm practically back where I started two and a half years ago: alone and unable to move out. Being able to live with my parents is helpful, but it's also brought me down in several ways. It's proved to be a component of one of the ultimate flaws of my existence (among which I could name a few others).
Now I keep thinking about some small incident from years ago, that shouldn't even be important anymore. Still, it may have been the first indicator that I was going to be odd around women (and it feels like something I'd do even today, had I not been asked not to do so by someone else at a later date). I keep thinking about all sorts of incidents where I behaved oddly or in an off-putting sort of manner. It's all kind of cluttered up there, along with my desire for more schooling which itself kind of switches on and off at random times of the day.
It seems best that I not even bother with dating, but then I keep doing that whole "half-hearted courting" thing, or I just end up marveling at a distance and wondering. I can't even focus on anyone in particular, just end up marveling at a lot of people. It gets unbearable sometimes, being confined to my thoughts, yet it's liberating at the same time because I can have them. Nobody here to judge myself but me; I'm just a shrewd judge.
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When I came home today I found that Shadow had decided that my mostly full laundry basket would make a good bed. Unfortunately for him I had to move it. Gotta love how he just lives everywhere. And makes random noises at me.
The breakdown so far: I got second in place in Beethoven and neither in the Chopin. The adjudicator is quite chipper and nice. She apparently enjoyed my glissandos in the Beethoven; Melissa made a point of telling me that the lady smiled at them.
The Bach class will be in about twelve hours and some. I don't think I have to worry too much about memory. I'm pretty glad that I can retire these pieces finally and get on my way with next year's. I've already taken a look through Bartók's sonata a bit. Wrote a paper on the second movement for Keyboard Lit, though it wasn't my best (still did okay).
I went to someone's house to celebrate Neara's b-day Wednesday night. She has a pretty neat crew. I feel like I'm at home among a lot of people now. I have, like, four or five social groups that I can count now.
About that last entry, yes, I get all depressy for short spurts now and then and somehow that seems to end up as a LiveJournal venting. We'll call this one positive venting...Going through positive softcore mutations and such. You know, voluntary experimentation, all that spudwazz.
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Argh, this is starting to annoy me. Whenever I have these solo performances coming up I start to become all distraught and have these "moments". Is that it, then? I can't feel good about what I'm doing because I'm alone now? Stupid brain. Just quit talking nonsense. Remember how the chance concert felt. Wasn't that quite a rush?
Stuff I did last week:
-Jammed guitars with Jade on Wednesday.
-Met for extra Latin on Friday.
-Hung out w/ Neaera and friends somewhere after work on Saturday and played a Mario game.
-Saw Kathleen's Chopin concert last night.
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Hung out with a friend I hadn't seen in a while on Saturday. Watched a highly amusing movie with Marilyn Monroe, which was cool. I need to see more old movies.
My exams are finished now, and my paper for Keyboard Lit is done as of Friday.
I have some classes in Music Festival on the 30th and the 1st, so I'll be practicing. Otherwise I'm just chilling and taking care of various business.
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| Date: | 2010-02-14 14:16 |
| Subject: | Meh. |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  moody |
So, it's that day with the hearts and maybe I'm feeling a bit cynical. Maybe I shouldn't be; it's not my business really to be like that. Still, certain things are beating against my head, and there could be vestiges of that inebriant liquid stuff from yesterday that's assisting in that. At the very least my body no longer has any idea whether it wants more sleep; it sort of feels like it, but it could just as well be oversleep.
The Thomas Yu concert was great. Though I'm beginning to wonder if I exist when I'm around other music students, 'cause I kept seeing people I know in the lobby and all they could say was "hi, Jeff". Or maybe I just had an off-putting look, I don't know. Maybe I just need to talk to them more.
As for the rest of my night (at Erin's), well, it was interesting. A bit more laid back than my previous house party experience, but that's probably a good thing in this context. I guess the main problem was the circumstances this time.
Apparently I now have work to do in school. Take-home midterm for Keyboard Lit, Finale score project for Music Technology, re-learning the lead sheets we've done in Jazz Improv, studying for Latin midterm, getting my jazz transcription started, starting a paper, some other things, and not to mention getting my recital stuff ready. I don't even have Bach memorized quite yet, and my Chopin and Beethoven need a ton of work. I'm just behind now. I feel like this whole performance degree is going to be less than a rewarding experience for me...Certainly less than it will be for Ryan and Danielle. I'm just not as hard-working as they are. I still often wonder what they think of my playing; does it look like I'm not going to make it? Does it show that I'm not working very hard? I'm not even doing Kayla's accompaniment anymore...It's like I have nothing to do, and yet I still can't do it. I'm just not happy with myself.
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| Date: | 2010-02-13 07:33 |
| Subject: | Bad dreams. |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  scared |
So I just had some sort of nightmare. Well, it wasn't really that but it seemed like it was about to become one so I got out. Basically I was over at...Apparently Litsa's house (it didn't look anything like it), but somebody in their family had apparently become so addicted to video games that he was yelling and swearing at everyone, and I kind of whispered to him that he needed to control his temper and he was like "Watch it." Then this whole verbal fight broke out between him and somebody else in the family and I tried to reason, then and it looked like he was about to threaten me or all of us. Like, with knives maybe, but then he left the room. The only people ignoring this were the parents in the other room, 'cause they seemed to just disappear altogether too. Actually, everyone was gone from the room but me, but I kept waiting there for that guy to come back. The house in my dream was dark everywhere, and had small rooms, and I was waiting for something bad to happen, but instead I woke up.
Now it's all clear in my head: I'm aware that I'm here, in my own room; Litsa and her family are fine, I haven't been to her house in two months, and that guy isn't about to kill anyone. I'm just a little perturbed, but still pretty tired so I ought to head back into sleep mode, hopefully not encountering anything else like that.
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Yes, so...I just recently found out GeoCities no longer exists, so there goes my "homepage". If I had some sort of warning, I might of tried to archive the source code. Oh well.
And I'm having bad thoughts again. To tell the truth, I'm not doing too bad lately, but now and then, things get all cloggedy in my brain. Maybe I can do something about that, who knows.
Colleen had a b-day party last Saturday. Sadie's having one tonight. Next Saturday is Kat's b-day party (the not-D&D Kat), a house party at Erin's, and I'm going to Thomas Yu's concert that night...0.o I think I have too many friends.
Time to get ready for work.
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| Date: | 2010-01-16 13:53 |
| Subject: | Stay on target. |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  thoughtful |
That last entry seemed a bit glum, so here's something randomly amusing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zL5-6qK1iYs
Movie night tonight! Excitement is I.
Damnit, try getting this out of your head (courtesy of the Rankin-Bass RotK movie):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdXQJS3Yv0Y
"We don't wanna go to war today, 'cause the lord of the lash says nay, nay, nay!"
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Over a month has gone by, and I'm still crying. When does this go away? I suddenly feel like I can't look forward to life again.
If it's not one thing it's another. Not content with feeling lonely, or vividly remembering all that you're missing? How about remembering all the things you could have changed or avoided, but somehow managed to do the opposite. Add in some of the fact that feel like I deserve what I get. There's more than grief at work; the other part is guilt. Guilt is the sort of thing that makes you not want to eat your food (though as I said before, I've basically gotten through that phase). Grief makes you cry. Knowing that you hurt somebody when you could have easily prevented it is a mix of those things. It makes a nice couple with the hurting feelings of losing something.
That's why I became such a blender over the holidays, I guess. In typing this, my crying ceased, but it's waiting to come back whenever it wills. Or maybe it's giving me the rite of passage to have a normal life for the day, as I suddenly feel like I don't need to cry. Apparently the only way to avoid crying is to cry. Interesting.
Andrea is having her own grief period too. It seems to be that kind of season.
Well, Dad's 59 today. He's a pretty awesome guy, so that's good. Later tonight I'm going to be watching Serenity with my nerdy friends. Sounds like fun times, so I'll look forward to it.
I'll take my emotion smoothie with whipped cream. Yeah, that's the best I can come up with. And yes, I know I'm beating myself down a bit harshly (that wasn't a pun, I think). It was largely a compatability issue that I couldn't have prevented. It's those extra details mentioned above that makes things all mixed-up inside me. Now, I shall leave this entry before my liquid metaphors become fruitless. Play me off, Johnny.
Staff-chucks, yo.
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I guess the pain isn't going to leave all at once; it'll just be moderated. Now and then it all hits me again and I fall apart for a few moments. The good news is that I've learned how to eat without losing it half the time. I don't even feel ill now; I'm just prone to breaking down a little in certain instances.
I went to the closing service and supper for Circle West Presbyterian Church. Yeah, I have childhood memories of that place. The building's been sold now, so today was the last time I'll ever be in it. It's also the first time I've been in there for quite a few years. I took a good look around.
After that was our first D&D session of the year! I'm all hyped up on caffeine right now - coffee at the church, then Lime Pepsi at D&D. I'm going to try to sleep somehow. Shadow's got no problem, I see. He looks pretty comfortable where he is.
I've been doing all sorts of social activities lately. During the holidays there was a Christmas party at mf's, a New Years Party at Colleen's...More recently, I've hung out with various folks. I took my guitar to a friend's house one day, and we watched random things like Yellow Submarine. Jimmy randomly invited me out another day (Monday, I think) to play volleyball with a bunch of random people I've never met; that was pretty interesting. Jimmy seems like an awesomely spontaneous person to be friends with.
On Friday, like, ten of us went out to Las Palapas for supper (yummy appetizer!), then last night a number of folks went out to the U of S observatory. We stayed out there past closing with our physics friend Colleen. Tomorrow I might have more socializing to do! Bromwyn will be on campus for a bit, and Jimmy mentioned some sort of movie/games night. I'm guessing it's his Monday group again.
Everything is strange right now, but it's not all bad. I'm doing everything I can to put my mind in its place. I'm glad I have so many friends still. Now I should give some attention to music, hmm?
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Just got home again. Manager asked if I could work seven hours instead of five to help cover for someone's early leave, and so I did so. I guess the whole "scattered" five-hour shifts thing (as opposed to fixed eight hours) means you find yourself adding random hours on random days.
Someone from work randomly hugged me during break. Well, first she and this other girl were being giddy and hugged each other during work, then had me join a group hug, then she hugged me on break. I had that whole confusion going and she said something along the lines of, "Sorry, I'm just a hugging-type person, people find it kind of strange." Something like that. She then asked me if I was in high school and I must have made it awkward to reveal that I was older. Is this the return of...them? You know, those high school "encounters" that happened quite frequently, now I recall.
I guess I'll just have to grow some actual structure. Not that I really complain for not looking like a hairy, butch kinda guy...And at least I appeal to people, now and then.
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Well, my first day back at work today since October, and did a lot of running around. I got pulled aside for my six-month crew review thing (15 cent wage increase next month, yay).
Not only did I manage to eat something today (half of a toast/cheese sandwich Andrea made before I left), I ate a McD's sandwich of all things at work. I guess it is progress. Something about running around incessently for several hours and getting sore feet brings you back into focus. I feel like translating the next passage of my Latin textbook. We had only one more section left on the Catiline conspiracy.
I'm feeling better for a moment. Earlier today I was thinking of things that made me start to cry while walking with Snowball in the empty off-leash area. Apart from the usual things, one of these was this recurring thought: "What will I do when Shadow's time comes? Will it come sooner, or later? How will we know when he's sufferring too much?" When Smudge's tumour became visible, it was much easier to tell she was in pain. I think we had a lot of trouble bringing ourselves to that inevitable day. But we had to let her go. Shadow must be...What? Sixteen? I don't think he could be older than seventeen. He might have been born around when I was four. At any rate, he must be around the same age as Smudge when she got sick. We've done some treatment for one of his problems, so he might have a longer life than his mom.
I have thought about Smudge now and then. I remember how much higher her pitch sounded than Shadow's. How she was much more secluded than Shadow from us originally, but really became affectionate over time. hHw she eventually took over Shadow's spot on my bed after being attached to Andrea for so long. How her hair was extremely clingy to everything, a little more course than Shadow's and of course, tabby-coloured instead of black. How she was large and needed to be lifted up a lot when she got older (Shadow needs to be now too). How she would stratch at the door of the room she wanted in, whereas Shadow makes a loud meow. How her and Shadow had "play-fights" when they were younger, and later you could still see them sleeping together now and then; it was so adorable. How she would sleep under the Christmas tree and occasionally try to nibble at the lights or play with the balls, which we tried to prevent as much as we could. How she was one of us (though rarely were we ever able to keep all three pets around the living room for long with the whole family). I don't exactly long for the past to return, but the past is on my mind. Smudge was a great pet. Shadow is a great pet. Both of them loved people so much...And had their own personalities. Who will come into the basement and say hi to everyone once Shadow is gone?
Long-term pets occupy a great fraction of our own years (somewhere between a sixth and a fifth); it is inevitable that one must go through this. The hour of Smudge's death amounted to possibly the biggest tears I could remember having at the time. I have two more of these moments left...Will they be the same? I am already welling up. Literally, in the middle of a journal post, my mood has gone completely opposite from before.
Shadow will go...Shadow, don't leave me here. Where will life be?
It's all pouring down my face.
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Yesterday I managed to eat a banana in the morning and a boiled hot dog in the evening. I don't know if you call that progress or not. My body still seems to want to starve me whenever my attempts at distraction aren't succeeding. I'm going out to walk the dog, and when I come back I'll try to eat again.
Yesterday I got a haircut then went to Lawson mall with my mother. I met one of my high school friends, Mariah, working in the stands. She said we and Bromwyn should organize a get-together 'cause it's been so long. It helps to remember you have people like those, independent from your every day life, who can still effect a smile on you. I need as many smiles as I can get, I'm afraid, before my self-worth goes splat.
Today I begin working again, from 4-11. The shifts I've been given for the rest of the holidays are mostly just five hours, apparently. Anyway, we'll see how this picks up.
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stapler__9_42's journal
rejuvenated
blah
confused
bouncy
sleepy